I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I want to walk on stilts...naked
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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