Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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