Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
