Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Randomize
