Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
