capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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