I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
