Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
