Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
Randomize