My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
