i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
