no, he came in my armpit
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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