I wish my penis had an off switch
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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