His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Sext me about skeletons
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
