Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
