I just threw up on my dentist
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
