Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
