theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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