I wish I could punch you in the face.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
i think i just lost a toe
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
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