Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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