In the future we'll all be gay
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I think my fart just growled at me.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
