I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
