Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize
