sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
