i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
