Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
