After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
