he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
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