today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
