Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
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