I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
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