I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize