Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
