Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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