I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
