Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
