I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Randomize
