my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
We're too hungover to prance.
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
