i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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