he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Is Oprah even human
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
