Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
