I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Randomize
