I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
