i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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