I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Your penis caused this!
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
