Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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