dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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