Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
