you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Randomize
