I hope mine doesn't look like that
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
