a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
