Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
