he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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