He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
