i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
