Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Randomize
