Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Randomize
