She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
Randomize
