I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
