Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize