I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
