sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
