He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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