Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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