So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
