My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize