I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
