I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
